Updated: Dec 26, 2018
On the commute home from work yesterday, I had some time to think about my journey. About how I've ended up where I am and how my ex-husband ended up where he is.
How my normal life changed drastically in the blink of an eye due to one really bad choice.
I got to thinking about how every person on this earth is traveling to his or her own destination on the road of life. How each of us arrives at our destination is determined by the choices we make along the way.
Kind of like driving a car somewhere.
Each one of us has a car we are in control of. We have been given the opportunity to decide which exits, turns, stops, passengers, etc. we want to take with us along this road. Sometimes we get lost and end up in the wrong place. Some of us follow directions precisely from the get-go and end up in the right place.
Sometimes people will hitch a ride with us because they don't know how to operate their own car and expect us to do it for them. They will ride along temporarily until they find their next ride and then move on. Sometimes we don't pay attention while we are driving and miss important things going on around us. We drive distracted past the correct turns and exits.
I realized that I let the wrong passenger (i.e., my ex-husband) into in my car, which resulted in me taking a lot of wrong turns and exits and getting completely lost. I was told repeatedly by him that my faith in the Lord was not the map I should be using to navigate life, so I ended up blindly trying to find my own way.
I became stubborn and extremely lacking in my faith. No matter how hard I tried to find the way, I just couldn't seem to cover very much ground. My relationship with the Lord suffered tremendously.
I ended up lost in a shady part of town, my passenger hopping in and out of my car at an alarming rate. All at his own convenience. I didn't know whether to stop driving or to keep going. He couldn't decide where he wanted to be and instead of taking back control of my car and letting my faith point me in the right direction and toward God's plan for me, I let my ex-husband become my backseat driver.
Every move I made was dictated by his commands. I was his free Uber driver, generously shuttling him around to every extramarital affair, to every bar, and every alcohol and cocaine-laden party he wanted to attend.
My sense of direction became skewed and I had no idea how to get to my destination or even what that destination looked like. I was dependent upon my ex-husband for direction, but found his directions lacking in purpose.
I was confused and lost, driving around in circles, over and over again searching for a way out. Searching for a place to just be able to stop and pull myself together.
When I finally came to my senses, I dropped my ex-husband off on a proverbial curb and told him I would no longer be his chauffeur. I drove myself back to the main highway and started heading in what I hoped would be the right direction. I never looked back in my rear view mirror to see where he went. I didn't care.
My ex-husband wouldn't be the one giving me directions anymore. This was my journey, not his. He was going to have to learn how to drive himself. Whether he chose to get back on the right road or not wasn't my problem. It was, however, my problem to make myself right with God and to live according to His purpose and not my own. It was time to let go and drive on.
I realized at that point I had God and my faith. Those two things are the only sources of direction I need to navigate back to where I should be. Where God wants me to be.
I pray for Him to show me the right turns and exits. I pray for Him to show me His amazing grace and His amazing creations along the way. I pray that I will see every important sign on the side of the road.
I'm careful about who I allow in my car now. I don't mind having a passenger every now and then, but I'm always acknowledging that my journey is just that... MY journey. No one else's.
I can't make anyone else's journey my own and no one else can make my journey theirs. We may intertwine and impact one another, but our journeys will never be the same.
While people may come and go in my life, Jesus is my constant. No one can decide other than me which direction I need to go, but with God by my side, I know I'll head to a place of perfect peace.
So, I'll continue to head toward Him because I crave that peace. I want to go exactly where he leads me and no where else. So, I'll turn up the music, roll the windows down and enjoy the drive along the way.