Updated: Jan 16, 2019
Here I go again. I can feel the darkness creeping up on me. I feel the enemy's voice telling me I'm not worthy. That I am a mistake and not meant to be loved by anyone. That I'm a failure, a terrible mother, and a loser.
It's palpable and terrifying. The distress and fear feel so real in the moment.
I try to breathe through it. I tell myself to take long, deep breaths. Count to one hundred. Pray. Sing praises. Focus on a real object or the sky. Anything to get out. Anything to distract myself from the pain that is consuming me.
Anything to find my way back into the light.
The dark place gets harder and harder to escape with each visit. Satan's lies become more convincing and heartbreaking. The temptation to give in so tangible.
With that being said, I am blessed that my Father gives me the strength to find my way out every time. He gives me the weapons I need to fight for my life.
As I have moved along in this journey, I have realized that the only way to get out of the dark place is to look for the one true Light. To look for God.
To trust in His Word that he will never leave me or forsake me. To be strong and courageous just as I am told to be in Deuteronomy 31:6, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I must use His Word as a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path (Psalm 119:105) because His light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it (John 1:5). I follow Him, the Light of the World, therefore I have the light of life (John 8:12). There is no darkness in Him and I cannot claim to follow Him and be in the darkness at the same time (1 John 1:5-9).
The dark place is no more real than the tooth fairy. It's a slight of hand the enemy uses to trip me up and take my focus off of God. It's a ploy to destroy me, to take my life, because that's what Satan does. He seeks and destroys...
But only if you let him.
I cannot be in both God's presence and in darkness. It's impossible. If I believe in Him and His Word, I have His light within me. I simply shine so bright that darkness cannot exist.
Do I still feel anxious sometimes? Yes. Do I still feel depressed at times? Of course. But I have the tools I need to quickly escape unscathed.
He commands me, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phillipians 4:6-7).
It used to take me a long time to get out of the dark place. Today, I was proud of myself when I was able to slam its door shut within a few minutes.
Every lie I heard from the enemy, I rebutted with the truth of Jesus Christ. His Word. His Light. I shut the enemy down and gave him no room to move.
I lit the dark place up like fireworks in the night sky and the enemy could no longer use it to hurt me.
I'm sure the dark place isn't gone for good, because Satan is always looking for a way to use his evil and always leaves an open invitation. The dark place is my weakness, and he knows it, but I am also armed with the truth that Jesus came as Light into the world, and because I believe in Him and walk with Him, I will not remain in darkness (John 12:46).