I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. I find too often my life gets too crazy to stick to them so I usually don't take the time to come up with any. With that being said, this year I think I will set a few resolutions for myself.
2018 was a chaotic blur. An anxiety-inducing, 8-month, ongoing custody battle; my ex-husband having a new love interest (one of his many lovers) while I'm still sitting here single; fearing for his new love interest as I know what the future holds for her; him saying he's moving to a different state, which will lead to another custody battle; and various other things made this year one for the record books.
I am ecstatic that 2018 is over and that the opportunity to start afresh is upon me. I'm ready for new opportunities and I'm very ready to continue following the Lord's plan for my life and to grow closer to Him.
In a meaningful conversation with my dad last night, he encouraged me to let 2019 be the year I no longer let the actions of my ex-husband consume me. He encouraged me to move on with my life and to find new love because my ex-husband will never change and has no redeemable qualities, which I know in my heart to be true.
My dad encouraged me to avoid jealously over my ex's new love interest, rather to feel empathy and pity for her as I for certain know what her life will end up like. My ex-husband has left a long trail of incredibly damaged women and children behind him and does not possess the capacity for change.
My dad reassured me that God has my back and pointed out how my life has improved ten-fold since my divorce. How I've improved. How my children have improved. How we are safe, live in a stable environment and have flourished there.
He pointed out how we no longer fear to go home and that we're more relaxed; how the children love attending church and having God in their lives, something that was absolutely not allowed during my marriage.
My dad poured out answers to so many questions and doubts I've had in my heart and he provided them without me asking. It was an answer to my prayers.
I'll be honest, I've been second-guessing my choices a lot lately. I've been praying for confirmation that I'm doing and have done the right thing. Praying for the Lord to speak to me somehow, whether through a dream, through another person, whatever. However He wants to communicate, I'll take it.
I've asked Him to make His confirmation and reassurance undeniable, because let's face it, humans have a hard time hearing Him, and I for one certainly do. I bounce back and forth between certainty and uncertainty, anxiety and depression. It's maddening, confusing and makes for a lot of noise in the background.
I desperately need and want the Lord's continued reassurance that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing because it's so easy to feel unsure and guilty about divorce and custody issues. I struggle with guilt tremendously.
It's so easy to feel hurt when someone you loved and just wanted to change for better moves on, even if he was abusive. It's really easy to over-think and "slay dragons that aren't there", as my dad says, when you're faced with protecting your children from physical and emotional abuse.
I'm prone to all the above and very guilty of putting all my worry, all my fear, all my questions before my relationship with God and before my own self-care. My dad was right, I have let my ex-husband's actions consume me. It's no wonder my anxiety gets out of control sometimes! I'm being eaten up from the inside.
For 2019, I'm resolving to do the things my dad encouraged me to do. I feel that God was confirming through him my next course of action. He laid out a blueprint and over the last day has continued giving me instructions and reassurance that He will continue to protect my children and I. That He will continue providing.
I have to continue down this path. I just have to keep up my faith. I cannot let it falter, no matter what happens. I have to let go and move on.
2019 WILL be an amazing year. It WILL be full of opportunity, love, and faith. It will NOT be full of anxiety, self-doubt, and apprehension. It will be a year to remember, a year of change, and a year of growth.
So, here are my resolutions for 2019:
1.) I am not responsible for the actions of my ex-husband and will not allow his behavior to affect me emotionally. I will not obsess over his actions or relationships. I will not give him power over me in any shape or form and will strive to be the best co-parent I can be despite his outbursts and rage and will always respond to him with kindness.
2.) I will not be anxious about things I cannot control. I will be aware that I can only control my own actions and responses to situations. It is not my job to control the choices of others or to attempt persuasion of said choices.
3.) I will walk by faith and will follow the Lord's guidance daily. I will listen for His voice in every situation. I will continue to pray for His direction.
4.) I will open my heart to the possibility of new love and will stop trying to sabotage relationships due to fear. I will trust fully that God will place the right man into mine and my children's lives at the right time.
5.) I will not rush any relationship and will take my time getting to know the other person.
6.) I will become more involved in activities involving my talents and will share my gifts with others.
7.) I will step out of my comfort zone and will make new friends. I will fight social anxiety by any means necessary.
8.) I will go on adventures this year. I will take my children on trips and will experience new things with them. I will not let being a single mother be an excuse to avoid living life to the fullest.
9.) I will choose healing over toxicity and will not get discouraged by the loneliness that comes with the path I have chosen. I will let go and move on.
10.) I will work on building my self-confidence and the self-confidence of my children. I will build up and not tear down.
I wish you all many blessings and a very happy New Year!