I struggled today. I held back the deluge as long as I could. The dam broke while I was bathing my youngest this evening, my body racked with heavy sobs.
My sweet toddler held my face in her hands and asked, "Why are you crying, Mommy?"
She wrapped her little arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. I clung to her, unable to stop the tears from flowing. She patted my head and kissed me on the forehead.
I lost my grandmother suddenly on Wednesday. She was a huge part of my support network. Often my sounding board, my adviser and counselor. I am devastated. I found out my ex-husband has a new girlfriend a few days prior and that he is posting all about her on social media. Hinting about how much better she is than I was.
He's love-bombing her and treating her like a princess. It's a hard pill to swallow even though I know it's all an act and she is his next victim. He will suck her dry in every way imaginable in a short amount of time. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.
I am jealous and feel like a failure all over again because I wasn't deserving of his love. My heart and brain in constant conflict. My heart still yearns to make him love me. My brain stating the obvious: he's an alcoholic with narcissistic personality disorder who is completely incapable of love and only capable of abuse.
I fear for this woman. She has no idea the danger she is in. She'll be number five in his ever-growing circle of victims.
I'm anxious for my children. He told them this woman would be their new mommy. I've reassured my children numerous times this is not the truth, but they are frightened... as am I.
When I finally gained some composure after my meltdown, my little one reassured me that I was a great mommy, telling me over and over she loved me so much. I very much needed to hear those words. I am so blessed that God gave her to me. She is extremely empathetic and always willing to comfort me. He knew I would need that and I am grateful for His foresight.
I try to never let my children see me cry. I pretend to be strong. I've held back my emotions for so long. Partly as a defense mechanism and partly because I just have so many overwhelming feelings that come out of nowhere and sometimes don't know how to handle them.
Writing helps. Counseling helps. Reading my Bible and other Christian books helps, but I'm tired. Exhausted. Drained emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm having a hard time seeing the Lord's goodness in this time of pain.
I don't understand the loss of my grandmother when I needed her more than ever. I'm frustrated at the unfairness that my ex-husband gets to play with his lover and avoid his responsibilities as a father (i.e., child support), while I struggle to provide for our children.
My burden is just so heavy.
I cry out for mercy, for God to make the pain stop. To give me a break from the tears that come so often and easily now. My anxious mind races and I find myself giving in to the urge to take control and figure out a way to move my life in a direction I think will be more doable.
A direction completely opposite from this place of pain.
I must avoid that urge. I must hand my pain, my worries and my fears over to the Lord and I have to let Him handle it. I have to remember that I cannot see His plan for my life in its entirety, but I know that His plan is good. He has promised this in His Word. I have to put my faith in Him and walk through this season; slowly and surely, praying the entire way.
I have to let go of fear and completely give myself and my worries over to Him. There is a bigger picture. My human eyes just can't see it and my human mind cannot fathom it, but it is there.
There is a lesson to be learned. God is teaching me to rely solely on Him. To trust His plan and to know that He is taking me somewhere that will be better than I ever expected. He's teaching me the importance of prayer and of slowing down. Allowing myself to feel and to let Him deal.
This pain is pushing me closer to Him. It's stripping me of my stubborn, controlling habits and forcing me to hand it over to Him.
This is not my battle. There are wonderful things ahead. I must keep pushing on and walking by faith.
His plan is good.