In this life, we are all given choices. Right and wrong. Big and small. Every day is wrought with them.
One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn about choice is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't make someone else choose what's truly right. Presenting the opportunity to choose correctly over and over again, begging him to choose, and trying your hardest to make the right choice undeniable to him ascertain to be wasted effort. Some people just refuse to change.
The most difficult concept I've had to grasp during my divorce and the time since has been the realization that my children and I weren't really chosen. We were only collateral obtained by my ex-husband on his quest to feed his voracious ego.
We made him look good.
There was never love. Never bonding. We were never a true family.
We were never chosen.
My ex-husband was given the world. He had a wife who loved him hard enough to move mountains and who was willing to do anything to save her marriage and him. He had beautiful and amazing children who adored him and wanted him to be around all the time, to be a part of their lives. To be their champion and their leader.
But it wasn't enough.
To this day, I simply cannot fathom how he could choose drugs, alcohol, affairs, and his job over us. I just can't. I know he is mentally ill. I know that I cannot fix that, and I no longer care to try, but the pain I feel when I look into the eyes of my children and realize we weren't good enough for him is at times too much to bear.
The pain is agonizing. The pain my children deal with on a daily basis is so incredible, yet they push on. I must learn resiliency from them.
He's moving across the country now to live with the woman he's only dated for a few short months. His cycle is starting over again and she will be more collateral for him. There will probably be more children at some point. It sickens me to realize he has chosen her.
Even given the opportunity yet again to be a present part of our children's lives, to be involved daily and to provide for their emotional and physical needs, he still chooses his own wants and desires. He's determined to get as far away from responsibility as possible.
I've groveled, I've begged, and have done everything to make him see that his children need him in their lives. He doesn't care. He's told me he's doing what makes him happy because as he says, " I deserve to have fun." It's always about him.
I've watched my children feel rejected by their dad. I've watched their adoration for him become almost non-existent. I've felt the devastation of watching my children realize their dad won't ever choose them.
I've been dealing with waves of intense pain in my heart every time the enemy whispers, "You and the children weren't good enough. He will never choose you." At times, I feel like dropping to my knees and crying out in despair.
But as always, I maintain my composure, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer and move on. Because that's all there is to do.
I choose to remain faithful and to know that there is a divine purpose in this mess. I will spend every waking second ensuring my children know they are chosen by me and our Heavenly Father. That they know they are deeply loved and accepted. I hope to teach them to always choose what's right.
This battle is not mine. It is the Lord's.
Even though my ex-husband hasn't chosen us, I rest in the assurance that God has. We are His and He will stand in the place of the man who chose to leave.
He will continue to provide for us and to meet our every need. I know He has the right man standing ready to fill the void in our life. He will allow this man to enter our lives when His timing is right.
I know the Lord has someone in mind who will always choose us. Always.
How special it will feel to be chosen.
The Lord is standing ready to restore everything that we lost. I whole-heartedly believe this.